(Please note that the article below is strictly a parody and in no way indicates the current status of the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Betcha there are a whole lotta unhappy folks around these parts today, though)
Shortly after 9 p.m. Saturday night, Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear declared a state wide emergency and called President Barack Obama for National Guard troops, federal emergency aid and mostly to just cry, whine and act like a little drama queen after the University of Kentucky men's basketball team lost in the finals of the NCAA East Regional to those no good, cheating, illiterate West Virginia Hillbillies.
Reports of the final score were disputed statewide, since very few people saw the end of the game...preferring to go either kick their dogs, car fenders, outhouse doors or old oak trees in their yard. State, county and local police reported a dramatic increase of people "just walkin' around all pissed off" and local bootleggers reported a 350% increase in business for Saturday night...according to Barron's. Bars in Lexington and Frankfort were ransacked and looted by disgruntled UK fans but local businessmen report that any beer or liquor inventories with red colors or markings on the container were not affected. Items bottled in West Virginia were pretty much left alone, too.
State government switchboard operators, 911 call centers and crisis intervention hotlines were swamped with distraught and suicidal Wildcats fans immediately after the loss and reports of several individuals jumping from their double wide trailer porches, outhouse roofs and abandonded automobile hoods in apparent suicide attempts were confirmed. A Hickman County man also reported his cow "just plumb keeled over from the shock of it all" after the Kentucky loss.
Several UK students were stopped at the Kentucky/Indiana border by federal officials after a tipster called authorities and informed them of a plot involving several UK fraternity members plans to "drive up to Syracuse and kick Calipari's butt." A candlelight procession was held at midnight on the UK campus near Memorial Auditorium where mourners slowly did the John Wall dance and practiced three point shooting on the outdoor courts near the auditorium. No reported shots were successful.
In Owensboro, KY...several angry UK fans threatened to swim across the Ohio River and "beat up everyone in Indiana" but chilly river temperatures, offers of free mutton barbeque sandwiches and Coast Guard boats lining the river were able to quell the action.
Early into Sunday morning, the distraught sobbing of Wildcat fans could be heard thruout the state and residents of Tennessee, Indiana, Ohio and Virginia reported torrential floods of tears rolling across the borders and making driving conditions rough on major interstates and highways.
In West Virginia, they're partying like crazed dogs and no one was answering phones in the entire state...so we couldn't get a update. Text and Facebook reports alerted readers about thick clouds of smoke from burning couches in the Morgantown, Charleston and Huntington areas and inpromptu signs and bed sheets were being displayed in windows, yards and on the backs of hogs suggesting that Bobby Huggins be considered for president, governor or a Deity.
" I just don't believe it. I got nothin' to live for now...it's all gone". lamented Caneyville, KY. resident Hoot Percy, as he tied his belongings and wife to his mule and prepared to ride off into the hills. "I knewed we never shoulda hired that Italian Memphis coach." Sentiment was similar in other Kentucky towns as Sunday services were cancelled at many churches. The Archdiocese of Louisville, however, encouraged parishioners to attend services...noting that Catholic colleges Xavier, Notre Dame and Butler were still alive in the men's and women's NCAA Tournaments.
Noted screen actor and UK fan Ashley Judd demonstrated her disappointment with the loss by ripping off her UK sweatshirt in front of a bemused crowd outside a bar in Syracuse, NY. She also asked if anyone had Rick Pitino's phone number and added she wouldn't mind a few "shots of Maker's" right about now. Famed hillbilly singer Billy Ray Cyrus perhaps summed it up best when he slurred "I think it's safe to say that the whole state is suffering from one big ol' achy, breaky heart right now...except for them dadgum UofSmell Tard fans."
UK women's basketball coach Matthew Mitchell vowed to "go get some payback" when his Lady Kats face Nebraska in the NCAA regional semifinals Sunday night. Rumors that John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins had shaved, donned skirts and wigs and offered to play for Mitchell's team this evening could not be confirmed as we went to press with this story...but a 6'11", very ugly woman was reported being seen this morning in the Kansas City airport asking where the basketball arena was. Rebecca Lobo denied being anywhere near the Kansas City area. Cousins did not answer text or phone attempts to reach him.
Martial law and curfews are expected to remain in effect until Kentucky residents eventually calm down and report back to work and unemployment lines on Monday. A spokesman for WHAS radio in Louisville indicated that the station would "cease and desist from any mention of the UK Men's basketball team on any and all future broadcasts until the situation had cooled down and the late Cawood Ledford, Oscar Combs or Tom Leach can be found and brought in to soothe the Big Blue Nation over the airwaves."
Ledford, who passed away in 2001, had prophetized shortly before his death that a "stranger in expensive suits would once again come to the Bluegrass and wreak havoc upon the land" but most felt the threat had passed when Billy Gillespie left the Kentucky basketball program last year. Plans to dig up Cawood and have him air one last broadcast have run into snags with state and local coroners but it is rumored that the body has been exhumed and Ledford reportedly was recently seen enjoying a cup of coffee and piece of Derby pie with ex-UK coach Joe B. Hall at Wheeler's Drugstore in Lexington. Hall's response to the rumor when questioned was
"Are you crazy, Denny?"
And that comment pretty well sums it up.
Written by Paul (with a little help from my friends)
3/28/10
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